A year ago today, Saturday the 21st, I woke up. I woke up next to Tyra with a nurse across from us testing Tyra's blood sugar. Tyra did not flinch. I then realized - I had woken up - this meant I had slept. Slept through the night no less. Tyra too had slept through the night or so I thought. I whisperd to the nurse my surprise at this. She commented how Tyra had not stirred during the previous sugar check either. I tried to wake Tyra. Softly first - and progressively in a more panicked state. Yes, she was breathing. Yes, she was warm but she could not wake up. I say could knowing that if it had been possible she would have. Tyra always did her best. The room filled with people both from our unit and the response team from the PICU. She would need to be transferred immediately. Her color was in fact dusky, her breathing was off, and she could not wake up. So much of this day and the days to follow are a blur. What I know is that Tyra ended up intubated on a ventilator with multiple medications hung to stabilize her heart.
My sweet girl never woke up. While her date of death is March 6th, I believe that it was sometime last night a year ago that she moved on. If I had known what might I have done? I would have recorded her giggle, I would have taken our picture, I would not have fallen asleep. I am grateful that I don't have to say...
I would have been beside her - I was
I would have kissed her goodnight - I did
I would have told her "I love you" - I did and I lived this
Waking up can be so hard.
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