Heart language...

It has been just over a week since I returned home from an incredible month long stay in Thailand. The trip was coordinated through Cross Cultural Solutions - this organization, the in-country staff, and my fellow volunteers each deserve a post of their own. The trip exceeded any expectations I may have had and I am so grateful to everyone that played a role in this journey.

 

Today's post  is dedicated to my partner placement. Today's post is dedicated to the amazing group of individuals that make up the Panyawuthikorn School. To refer to them as students and staff would make light of the role they play in one another's lives. They are a community. They are a family.

I am thankful to have been included in this community. To have been witness to their celebrations. To have shared in their commitment to the students and their families.

My paid vocation is supporting individuals with developmental disabilities - to ensure that they are receiving appropriate services and to coordinate resources. My most valuable 'job' was is as a mom. A mom to Tyra, my child who while hearty in spirit and so full of joy had a multitude of care needs and was dependent on others for so very much. So, I guess you can say I have an eye for genuine care and concern. This care and concern was quickly evident at the school. I saw it but more importantly I felt it. In the words of Mark Twain...

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

The kindness was extended quickly to myself and my fellow volunteers, Daniella & Vicki. There are so many examples; from the lunches out with our supervising teachers P' Noi & P' Fon (they wanted us to try the very best dishes from the local community- the food was delicious, their company made the meals even better and I can not forget to mention the iced coffee 'Thai style' - yum or should I say "aroi mak"?) all the way through to my departure which included a farewell fitting for family - with my honorary Aunts, P' Kung & P'Tuy and P'Pim (Mom).

I'll share one of many specific examples. The Panyawuthikorn School serves around 180 students from ages 5 to adult with developmental disabilities - primarily Downs Syndrome and Autism. Each morning the students and teachers gather in the courtyard area to raise the flag, pray, and engage in a vigorous round of exercise :-) part of the morning activity includes an English Language lesson. P' Lek, a teacher small in size hence the nickname 'Lek' but big in heart, coordinates this program. I was fortunate to be in Thailand as they prepared for and celebrated Loy Krathong. Amidst this celebration P' Lek thought to include something from my country. On the morning before Thanksgiving she handed me this slip of paper which I then recited to the students with her interpreting and sharing about my holiday. I do not know that I was able to fully express to her how much this meant. I will save this among my other treasures from this journey.

It was also during the morning gathering that I received warm greetings from students and families. To greet in Thailand is to wai (palms together and a bow of the head) accompanied by "Sawasdee -ka/krup". It reminded me of the greeting I share with my own teachers - 'Namaste' the act of seeing the divine in one another. I may miss this most of all. Once again the language did not matter as there were some children who were without words. These students too were encouraged to wai and had it modeled by their caregivers. The action came from their hearts and of course there were the smiles.

"There are hundreds of  languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all"

 

The kindness shown towards me was so appreciated however of greater importance was the kindness, compassion, and commitment shown towards the students. The environment was one of both learning and of celebration. Children with disabilities can often be made to feel inferior. At Panyawuthikorn the students were in the spotlight. The students performed beautiful dances, music was played, songs were song, and many more smiles were to be seen. The pride was evident and I believe contributed to the student's success in other areas.
 

 

 

I'll end today's post with a final sense of welcome - the welcoming of ideas. The administrators-  P'Pim (pictured to my right),  teachers, and support staff- P'Siwan (to my left) encouraged my suggestions and provided great support to see them through to completion. 



 

 

 

I look forward to remaining a part of the Panyawuthikorn community and have marked my calendar to return next fall. I plan to take some Thai language lessons over the next several months although I am confident that when we meet again it will be the language of the heart that speaks the loudest.

 

Making music

The following account has been shared by several of my teachers. I do not tire of hearing it.

On Nov. 18, 1995, ItzakPerlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall,  at Lincoln Center in New York City.

If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly, is an awesome sight. He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap -- it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do.

People who were there that night thought to themselves: "We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and limp his way off stage -- to either find another violin or else find another string for this one."

But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again. The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night, Itzhak Perlman refused to know that. You could see him modulating, changing, recomposing the piece in his head . At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before.

When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from his brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said -- not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone -- "You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."
------------

This teaching has struck me each time I've heard it. I've 'gotten' the concept of "what you have left". Lately though the "what you have left" has not seemed as a less than idea as it had previously rather it is a very full sometimes overflowing sense. On these days it is not a sense of loss that I feel but this huge sense of what I have. The MUSIC in me.

I am a huge fan of music. I love to dance. Well, make that I love to twirl...

I've often used the reference of a 'story' in describing my life's course. I've spoken of chapters and pages. I've made mention of my belief that I've had wonderful relationships written into short stories and I've shared that I had longed for a novel. Lately these terms have changed.

My life is a CONCERT....

It has been filled and continues to fill with notes and melodies. Yes, there have been slow, sad songs to which I have rocked and cried. There have been times where I have not been in harmony and certainly played a bit off key. Oh, but there is also such JOYful noise.

On Sunday I attended the Remembrance Service at the Children's hospital where Tyra spent her final days. This was my fourth and perhaps final service. The first year was a blur. The second year still very raw. Last year I had the honor of sharing about my path to healing and this year I had wonderful friends sharing as part of the service. I had some odd guilt in the thoughts of going more as a friend and supporter than as the bereaved mom. Please don't take this to mean I do not grieve for my sweet girl. It's just gotten different. She continues to play her beautiful song in my heart and in my life. She in fact has turned up the volume.

For the past two years I struggled with presenting what has been my favorite photo of Tyra with the knowledge that it will always be my favorite photo. That there will not be another. This year in preparing for the service I sent what I believed would have been Tyra's favorite photo.

It was the perfect choice... for her and me. After the service no less than 4 people came up and complimented on this selection. I have many favorites now. What a blessing. During the service a wonderful choral selection of 'Candle on the Water' was performed. Tyra and I were fans on Pete's Dragon - magic in pairs. There was a particular song that we twirled around the living room to, that I sang along to in the van, that I remembered on this Sunday and that holds some new meaning today.

Treasure them from day to day. Climb the highest tree with.

 It's so easy.

 

I have so much more to share on this concert of mine. I have wonderful accompaniment in friends and family. It is not mine to conduct outright but to embrace and appreciate each note as they are played.

 

I'll end with this final song as I head out to enjoy some new selections. My thanks and love to all who have supported the music in me.



 

 



Go ahead and SKIP!!!

Tonight while on my walk. The walk that I know brings me in such close connection with Tyra. Our countless treks most certainly responsible for some wearing of the ground upon which I stepped this evening. I had the urge to skip. This urge is not uncommon to me. Truth be told I believe it is my true nature to skip and for this I am so grateful. I encourage you to try it some time. I've never witnessed a solemn skipper :-)

My sweet girl had a special skip of her own. Tyra took great high steps while physically supported. I smile with the memory of how she would walk (skip) when excited. Her legs would get going so fast and so high that her feet remained off the floor more than on. This was not pratical for serious ambulation and might have been frowned upon as 'lack of motor control' by clinicians. I say might because you could not frown when witnessing this JOY exude from my girls entire being. Her JOY was truly contagious.

Tonight I did not skip when the urge came. Tonight I was concerned that someone might spot me. That I might be observed as .... That I might not present as ....

When I entered the apartment after squelching the urge to skip in order to be observed as ... to present as... I remembered a favorite poem by Hafiz.

“TRIPPING OVER JOY

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?

The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God

And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move

That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
You have a thousand serious moves.”   


So... If you happen to see me skipping along no need to call the men in white to take me away. I urge you to just smile with the recognition that I am "Tripping over JOY" (^hers^ & mine)

LIFE...

Some reference the Ups & Downs...

Mr. Matthews - make that Dave - sings about it in
'Funny the Way It Is' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2mFDTTWqOU

The spiritual path I follow speaks of Joys & Sorrows...

LIFE - so full... of this all

I was perhaps most struck by the Joys and Sorrows on March 6th of this year. On the night marking  the 3rd anniversary of Tyra's death I was planning the celebration of...

Princess Giana's 3rd Birthday.

Giana and her mom, Shelonda, have brought great JOY into recent months. They have both allowed me to reach into my 'Mom bag' and it has been wonderful.

Three years ago as I was filled with sorrow preparing to bury my child, Shelonda was preparing to greet this bundle of JOY. 

 "Funny the way it is when you think about it..."

Tonight, I too am reminded of the Joys & Sorrows. Tonight, at about this time, my sweet girl would be making her way across the stage during her High School graduation. I wrote about the sorrows of this year here  http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2011/08/back-to-school.html

Amidst the sorrow of today there is JOY to be found. JOY to be found inside Tyra's High School yearbook. JOY to be found in the countless number of friends that might have thought to have her remembered on these pages. JOY to be found in having a friend who did. JOY to be found in the friends who made it possible for me to have this treasure at my side as I type this entry. JOY to be found in Tyra's certain giggle as I searched the book to find this surprise.

JOY in her loving memory... 

HIDE & SEEK...

Tyra's earliest nickname was "SUNSHINE". I sang this tune to her regularly and together the two of us enjoyed countless hours in the great outdoors.

It comes as no surprise that I sense Tyra's presence most often through nature's gifts. The past few days have provided me with wonderful sightings and the most JOYfilled new game.

With the early arrival of spring-like conditions most of our trees have displayed their glorious blossoms and are now in the cycle of dropping petals.

Most but not all...

This tree is a late bloomer. This tree is shaded from the direct sun for most of its day. This tree greets me each morning as I open the front blinds. This tree serves as a playground for Tyra's friends and this tree provides a sheltering presence for her treasured creation.

I keep a close eye on this tree.Yesterday when I returned home from my evening walk I spotted this.

I was instantly filled with JOY and greeted this gift with an audible "Well, there you are". Along with that statement came even greater JOY with thoughts of HIDE & SEEK.

I've mentioned before that surprising others was not Tyra's strongest suit. She could not contain her JOY and her laughter was a give away that something more was to come. This held true for games of HIDE & SEEK. Oh, the JOY in her giggle. 

This morning I was able to venture out for a bike ride during which Tyra & I played the most amazing game of HIDE & SEEK. I saw her everywhere and as I rounded a curve in the road I felt myself wanting to exclaim "Ready or not here I come!" Her signature colors of princess pink, diva purple, and of course sunshine yellow were splashed throughout the 24 miles.

 and if a period of time passed without a sighting I needed only look

to the blue (not quite Tiffany) sky.

I'm looking forward to playing again real soon...

"Ready or not here I come!"

Celebrating LIFE!!!!!

Good Morning Birthday Girl!

   Mommy is celebrating a little differently this year. I know you played a role in getting me to this place - sending signs along the way. I know you understand. I know it is what you want for me too. So Kiddo people can share in the wonderful, joyfilled images of Birthdays past http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2010/02/birthday-at-onetruemediacom_26.html
What I truly hope they see both for me and for themselves is the JOY in the present.

    It is truly in your honor that I acknowledge all the beauty of this day. The JOYS, the LOVE, the LIFE that I celebrate. Over the past 3 years Mommy has not used the camera but I have captured  wonderful images with my phone. I used to think some of the 'magical' references people made about loved ones sending them messages from Heaven were ... well... a bit kooky. Sweet girl, I've gotten your messages. I've shared the beauty of a special flower - the one that hung on from Mother's Day through Thanksgiving. I've thanked you for sending rainbows and for opening my eyes to the power of the Sun and the Moon. I've witnessed the love of friendships, old & new. The people that think of us, that speak of you, that support me - I am so very blessed by it all. A bit overwhelmed at times.

   Kiddo, Mommy is doing okay. Each day is a Birthday  to be celebrated. This is how we lived together and I am so very grateful to be returning to this place of celebration.

Last night your fella and I enjoyed a wonderful performance and sent you wishes.

In his words "HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOO-DEE-FULL!"

Indeed, Happy Birthday Beautiful!

                                                                                                           Love,

                                                                                                                 Mommy

THIS vase...

Two years ago I wrote about 'Waking Up'  http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2010/02/waking-up.html

THIS morning I am awake and 'Waking Up' more and more with the recognition of each precious moment.

That morning had been represented by many things, one of which was THIS vase.

THIS vase contained the flowers I had delivered to Tyra at duPont on what was to be her final Valentine's Day. She hadn't been well enough for me to sneak off to get her something so I had these delivered to our well-appointed room on 3F. That morning - THIS vase was loaded into a wagon by our very kind 3F family for our journey to the PICU. I had wanted to leave our room as it was, with the belief that we would surely be returning. That wagon - THIS vase had come to represent a very painful trip.

I recently began making plans for a volunteer trip to Thailand. My affinity for this country, its people, and its customs has grown over the years. During her sixth grade year, Tyra and her group-mates chose Thailand as the country they would present on in their World History class. They spent the semester doing research and of course Tyra and I included a little shopping trip for accessories...

I pulled this collection out recently and had such great memories of this project. Tyra was in her glory with the amazing girls in her group under the guidance of their wonderful teacher. As part of the assignment the girls reenacted a much loved Thai festival...

They constructed beautiful krathongs and sang a traditional song. Tyra using her Dynavox. I am so fortunate that the Loy Krathong festival will be celebrated during my time in Thailand this fall. I have such Joy in the idea of constructing and floating a krathong with my sweet girl guiding its path.

I also have great JOY in

 THIS vase on THIS morning... 

   

  

Life Insurance...

I came upon this video... more on that story soon. It is a Thai commercial for Life Insurance.  I was not searching for Life Insurance but am so grateful for the "guaranteed compensation" (the definition of insurance) available to me each day if I only make myself open and available to it. The children clearly 'sang' to me. I recognized the Love in the eyes of their mothers and the Joy in the presence of Que Sera Sera "whatever will be will be".

~LIMITLESS JOY & BOUNDLESS LOVE~

In honor of the immeasurable compensation

 this Life provides me daily -

I give THANKS.