"I did not grow you under my heart, but in it..."
This quote is found in various forms on multiple sites related to adoption. In my heart is where Tyra continues to reside.
I left for Thailand with hopes that I might be of service while enjoying this country that I held so much interest in. As is so often the case it was I who received many blessings. The blessing of Tyra's presence and the knowledge that I will always be a mother is the one I will try to explain here.
I wrote a bit about the timing of this journey here http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2012/02/this-vase.html
Loy Krathong is a magical time in Thailand and for me well...
Building krathongs alongside our amazing hosts and my fellow volunteers was lots of fun. A special thank-you to the sweet new friends who I shared the significance of this event with and who lent me many hugs and words of support.
When the evening came to send our krathongs off into the river I added this.
It is not uncommon to add a coin to your krathong. This coin was given to Tyra by her very compassionate doctor on the day of her seventeenth birthday while she was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit on life support. While Tyra was in a non-responsive state our ever thoughtful Dr. R shared a story of how when he was a kid if he had a doctors visit on his birthday his doctor would give him a quarter - I did joke about inflation ;-) I have kept this quarter with me daily since her passing. I can't fully explain why. It wasn't that I saw it as a lucky quarter perhaps more it was a sign of all the love my sweet girl received through her final days. However, it also represented a painful chapter. I believe that Tyra 'left' this world at 16. Yes, her body was still here being supported but my brave girl did not regain consciousness during what was her 17th year. Her room on the PICU was filled with photos of the amazing adventures and the wonderful relationships she was a part of but she had already moved on. She was again being carried in my heart. So, I believed it time for this symbol to also 'move on'
The final line of the Loy Krathong song translates to...
"As we push away we pray we can see a better day"
Tyra's mom - Oh, how I love to hear these words together. Being a mom is the 'job' I hold in greatest esteem. There is no financial compensation to compare with the JOYS of motherhood. While in Thailand and once home I was reminded that even though I am not actively parenting Tyra the JOYS of mothering are still mine. I am so blessed.
While in Thailand I had great company in my luuk sao, Vicki. We became fast friends and laughed our way through adventures North, East, and South. She is a remarkable young woman and I am so thankful to have made what I am certain will be a life long friendship. When saying our tearful farewell these words were exchanged.
Me - While thanking her for being such a positive part of this adventure I said to her
"You are a 'good kid' - there is a great story behind this title of hers.
Vicki - "You are a good mom" - this still brings grateful tears to my eyes
On the night before my departure our very kind and generous Panyawuthikorn school family took Vicki and I on a beautiful visit to Chonburi. It was there that we witnessed an amazing sunset followed by a delicious seafood feast on the beach. Before leaving we sent khom loy, floating lanterns into the sky. As my lantern rose my very kind host and mentor while at the school, P' Noi, spoke of my "daughter's presence". There are no words for how much this meant to me.
When I returned to my home I was greeted by 'my girls'. The joy and energy Shelonda and Giana bring into my home are gift enough but they spoiled me with an abundance of tangible gifts which included a butterfly box imprinted with the word MOM. Over the years, with the help of a nurse or teacher Tyra would present me with similar gifts and in true Tyra form she would laugh as tears of gratitude left my eyes. I think she had a great smile at my response to this butterfly box :-)
Lastly, are these words "...real teacher, real mother" These words were shared by yet another new friend and genuinely kind guide, Jack, that I had the good fortune of meeting on my trip to Thailand. These words were shared on a photo I posted from my time at Panyawuthikorn. Again, I can not adequately express what this means to me.
Tyra is indeed in my heart. I believe she is also in the hearts of so many others even those who did not have the fortune of meeting her physically. So many blessings... and with this I share the image and the quote that has been filling my head as she fills my heart.
"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"