Coincidence???

A coincidence is said to occur when ..."something uncanny, accidental and unexpected happens under conditions named, but not under a defined relationship."

I have been inundated lately with a number of occurrences.

On June 8th, I realized that June 6th had come and gone. What did that mean? Well, on the 6th of each month, except February 2010 when there was a snow induced state of emergency, I visit Tyra's grave site. I missed it, how did that happen? Instead of becoming guilty over this I recognized that my 'shift' in the focus on Tyra's life as opposed to her death was now evident in these visits too. The 6th is a single date - Tyra's life is an ongoing legacy. I did visit her site later in the month and the following day I received an email from one of our duPont friends describing Tyra's Diva Bear that hangs at the front of the unit
 "... is never turned around the right way, and whenever she does turn around, we know that she is there. She has been turned around for the past two weeks....she is always looking over 3F. She (and most definitely you too!!!) will never be forgotten."

                        COINCIDENCE??? I don't think so.

Last week I shared the following post with a new friend

 http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2009/12/i-think-i-can-i-think-i-can.html 

This posting talks of the role our wonderful friend Hilje played in our lives. Hilje not only supported Tyra's quests to "Climb Hills"  she also assisted in Tyra's healing from orthopedic procedures and witnessed the healing of our family during some complex custody issues. Hilje was our last friend to visit with Tyra on this side of Heaven. She has moved out of state and we had not connected in many months. Two days after sharing this posting, Hilje called. We had an amazing talk and I was able to share of my own healing and the JOY that has been returning to my life.

COINCIDENCE??? I don't think so.

Today I attended a workshop on meditation and awakening. Being in the company of likeminded people is such a good feeling. Today those good feelings were multiplied. One of the exercises involved gathering in groups of 3 and sharing of a current relationship struggle. The first person in my group was a women who shared about a situation with her 20 year old physically disabled step-daughter. I was able to relate so clearly with her situation and she sought me out again later in the day. What are the chances that in a setting of over 100 people we would be sitting next to each other?

 COINCIDENCE??? I don't think so.

There was a profound listening exercise as well today in which you were to write on an index card a relationship experience that has deeply affected you. You then shared your writing with 5 people, one at a time, with the listener reflecting back to you a statement beginning "I imagine you felt..." I debated for a moment sharing of Tyra's death as I have never wanted anyone to imagine the death of a child. My heart lead me to the put the following on my index card

"My daughter, Tyra, lived joyfully for 17 years with Cerebral Palsy. Two years ago, after a brief period of illness, she died of an untreatable metabolic disorder".

More often than not the reflection noted that Tyra lived with JOY (yes, that is her message). Afterall, we are all going to die.

I pray for myself and those I love that we too can say we LIVED!

On my ride home I intended to walk the path along the Bay that Tyra and I so enjoyed together. As I crossed the bridge it appeared as though it might rain. I stopped anyway and proceeded to have a wonderful trek along our much loved path. This is what greeted me when I reached the end...

COINCIDENCE??? I don't think so.

I am so very grateful to be LIVING and LOVING this life.

I am beyond thankful for...

 eyes that can see and a heart that can hear.

Without words...

"Without words but with so much to say" this was a quote I used so often in describing Tyra. Well, tonight I am in good company.

Yesterday, during lunch with an old friend and a new one I was presented with this scrapbook. The book is filled with LOVE and the pages share the story of a fabulous adventure. The story itself extends well beyond the cover as

 "Hers is a story without a The End"

I have so much to say but am working to find the words to do it justice. Until I do, I will say that I am grateful beyond measure for the continued gifts Tyra has sent my way.

A FULL MOTHER"S DAY...

Motherhood is FILLING. I once saw the following quote on a site related to children with extra-ordinary needs.

"If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart"

Tyra continues to FILL my heart each day. She sends daily gifts and blessings my way for which I am so grateful.

On this Mother's Day I think of my own Mom, who died when I was 12. She loved being a mother. Although our time together was short, she taught me so much about the JOY of motherhood.



FULL HANDS - FULL LAPS - FULL HEARTS

I believe my mom has enjoyed holding Tyra. Thank-you Tyra for gifting my Mom with a FULL lap.

Today, I also think of Chelle, Tyra's birth mother. I imagine Tyra is filling her heart as they are catching up on missed time. In the past 26 months I've had some troubling thoughts of jealousy over their time together. Today I am assurred that Tyra has more than enough love to go around. When we all meet again I trust we will share in our JOY and the FULLness Motherhood provides. Thank you Chelle for creating such an amazing daughter.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom - Happy Mother's Day, Chelle -

Happy Mother's Day to Mother's everywhere!

Seeing, Hearing, Touching, Feeling, & Believing...

Oh, what a difference a week can make - or for that matter a day or a moment. The BEEPing has ceased and I must share that I have seen, heard, touched, and felt Tyra intimately this week. No fears I am not hallucinating :-) I have been honored to spread her JOY in some tangible ways this week and in the planning alone came so in touch with her spirit. Her kind, generous, pure nature. My little Buddha.

As I have awoken each more I greet her and the day with an audible "Good Morning". When the sun rises, a breeze blows, or a star shines I thank her. I pause to take in the beauty of each moment. I am in Love with this Life. At night there is a solar powered rock outside my patio door that has flickering butterflies above it. It shines on the handprint stone she created many years ago. As the lights begin to fade for the evening I tell her "Good Night" and I thank her again for this day. Some might find these thanks misdirected - I however am at peace with the direction and take comfort that Believing is what matters.

This morning I ended my walk with a diversion through the Zoo. The Zoo is sometimes an emotionally difficult place for me to visit. Today, I sensed how okay walking the path would be. I removed my headphones and I took in all the sights and sounds. I saw Tyra in the magnificent life - both plants & animals.

I felt her in the breeze and touched her as I rested my hands around the Sloth hanging bar that she so joyfully would cling to as we walked through together. I heard Tyra in the songs of the birds and then most profoundly in this statement...

As I stood at our favorite Otter exhibit a little boy of about 4 years old ran up. He was full of excitement and joy as he watched the Otters play. He exclaimed

"When I grow up I want to be an Odder!"

The double tt was obscured but it made the sentiment all the much sweeter. Oh, to be an Odder - to play, enjoying each moment and all the while bringing JOY to others.

A pretty awesome aspiration if you ask me.

May we all have Odder- filled days :-)

BEEEEEP....

    That sound penetrates my conscious at the most random times and it is always accompanied with the LONGING to hear the announcer proclaim "This is a test. This is only a test."

    Oh, that would mean I might divert my eyes from the screen to SEE Tyra smiling up at me (she sat in my lap when we watched TV) or perhaps I might turn down the volume and HEAR her sweet giggle.

     I excelled at tests in school. So much so that teachers would often comment at what potential I had if only I applied myself daily. I think a few were miffed at my ability to pass their course by acing exams and ignoring the daily tasks.

     Well, I'm not sure what grade I'll receive on this test but I'm fairly confident I have become a better student. It can only be through applying myself daily that I have been gifted to FEEL Tyra in all that I do. Some days this gets me through. Other days I am still left missing her beyond words longing to TOUCH her and waiting for the BEEEEEEP to stop. Today happens to be one of those days. Oh, how I miss my sweet girl.

Saying goodbye...

"I am so proud of you"
"You have always done your very best"
"It is going to be okay sweet girl"
"Mommy loves you so much"

From my arms to his -
Don't be afraid, just spread your wings and fly.

Unemployment...

In the 23 months since Tyra died I have been troubled by a particular question. The question comes in various forms and from an assortment of people. What is a spoken question really but a string of words? The words are not really the issue - it is what I had believed the meaning behind the words to be. So here is the question in one of it's forms...

 Are you going to get another child?

The get part is still a bit bothersome as I type this morning even with my new perspective on the meaning of these words. Have would be more palatable of a word but I suppose I did not in fact have Tyra so the use of get is understandable.

Anyway, on to the meaning. Up until this morning, 5:20ish to be exact, what I perceived the meaning of these words to be, was heartbreaking. The conversation went like this:

Questioner : "Are you going to get another child?"
 (insert broken heart) 

Me (often unspoken) : "Goodness are you suggesting Tyra to be replaceable?" "What do you mean get another child? She wasn't a puppy or a pair of shoes" "How could I dream of getting another child?"

This morning I thought perhaps the question is less about Tyra and more about me...

Maybe the inquiries are related to the clear happiness and joy I displayed in parenting Tyra?

I've always said being Tyra's mom was my most favorite vocation.

Perhaps people think I was good at my job?

JOB - I'd do anything to have my old job back but this is not an option. I wasn't fired. I didn't quit. It's certainly not an issue of loyalty (I'm a Company-Girl if ever there was one). The thing is my employer relocated. I have been provided with an awesome severance package; 17 years of amazing memories & adventures, incredible on the job training, and an indispensable set of skills that are certain to benefit my new boss.   

So, while the federal government discusses extending unemployment benefits I am excited about the prospect of going back to work. I must now pray for patience with the hiring process.