LONG OVERDUE...

This is a recent 'screenshot' from my iPad.

Many of you are aware that I am now living in Thailand. I have been here since the end of August and have much thankfulness to report about my stay so far. BUT...

 

In preparing for November's theme, Novemember??? yikes where did the time go, I could not let another day pass without acknowledging the many wonderful people and events that were a part of my farewell stateside.

 

I'm afraid if I name names I'll leave someone out - you know like at the Grammys. I do however carry each name, each person, each memory in my heart.

 

So... please accept my long overdue THANKS

 

THANK YOU -

to everyone who offered space to store my things

to everyone who offered a ride after my van decided to call it quits just weeks before the move

thank you for every chat over coffee

thank you for the so many thoughtful gifts

thank you for providing me with a place to stay

thank you for feeding me, mentally & physically

 

A few extra special THANK YOUS -

 

THANK YOU to my coworkers, my friends, for supporting my decision, for cheering me on, for 'getting me' (it's not an easy task), for the wonderful farewell party, for thinking of 'my people' in your planning and for the peace of mind I have knowing that you too will care not just for them but about them. THANK YOU for this...

goodies for 'my new people'

You guys ROCK!!!

You may notice or not notice the S'mores candy corn. Yummy - I'm sharing the rest (true love) but that bag... well... MINE.

 

To my friends in Rotary both old friends, Salisbury, and new, Cambridge. THANK YOU for allowing me to share my story past and future.

 Thank you for your service to communities across the world.

 

To my father's friends. THANK YOU from me and my dad. To his Thursday night friends I can think of no better company to have spent my final night in Salisbury with. To his dearest friend - THANK YOU for making this possible...

 

 

To My Family...

THANK YOU for being GOOD people

Ours is not the biggest and perhaps we don't see each other as often as we'd like but...

what matters is the love is there and I THANK YOU

During my last month in the U.S. I was able to see the sun rise in the East and set in the West with...

sooooo much in between.

 

As I walked along the Sonoma Coast beach I spotted something wash ashore.

A starfish...

My favorite parable is about this very being.

I share it often as it relates to my own journey of 'service' and I share it now with each of you as it relates to the role you have had in serving me...

 

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

 

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

 

He came closer still and called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

 

The old man smiled, and said, “I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

 

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, “But, young man, do you not realise that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

 

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said, “It made a difference for that one.”

 

Please know that each of you has made a difference in my life...for all of this and so much more

THANK YOU

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Rainbow Connection...

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows..."

Our dear friend Holly gave me this plate during a recent visit. I had not remembered sharing with her about The Rainbow Connection but in true Holly style - she had :-)

Tyra, while having much to say, did not speak verbally. Throughout her school years she had the wonderful fortune of being provided with various assistive technology devices to give her an audible voice. One of these devices was her Dynavox. Tyra enjoyed being a part of classroom activities through the use of her Dynavox. Songs were always a part of Elementary School lessons and for any of you that are familiar with voice output augmentative communication systems, particularly those of years past, they were far from melodic in their output. The Dynavox did have an option that allowed you (ie Mom) to program in song form - note by note - word by word. I bought several songbooks over the years to allow Tyra to sing somewhat in tune. Two songs that were not in the circletime rotation but were labors of love to program and music to my ears were... Rainbow Connection & Do You Hear What I Hear?

I can still hear them... and I believe Kermit and the Dynavox voice of years past were kindred spirits ;-)

A little more about Rainbow Connections...

Many of you know that I have been accepted to exchange service - it is I who receive far more than I give -
with an organization serving children and adults with developmental disabilities in Thailand. I am so grateful for this opportunity. I hope to be able to share more specifics on this organization as time progresses but will move slowly in this area. What I will share is the name of the camp they hold twice a year.

 Rainbow Friendship Camp

Twice a year staff, families, and volunteers take the children and adults to the beach for 3-days in the sun & surf. I look forward to being a part of this experience and in viewing their photos... I saw such a sweet reflection...

These photos are not from Thailand. These photos were taken during Tyra's Middle School field trips to Assateague. Tyra loved every second - the crazier the wave the better. I delighted in her JOY and have such gratitude for the ability to physically support her. Again, I know the lessons she taught me will continue to serve others.

Serving others... This CONNECTION has been shouting out to me in recent days. Today I edited a list and then shared it with my co-workers. This list included the names of men, women, and children I have had the privilege of supporting for the past 13 years. This list included the names of some men and women I first met in my early teens, while I performed community service. Service??? It is I who have been served. "My People" my co-workers hear this often. I don't know if it comes out as it is intended. It is in no way meant to imply 'ownership' it is because they are "My People", "my tribe", "my community"... I have learned more about grace, gratitude, and JOY than I could ever hope to explain from "My People". 

I have struggled with the thought that I am leaving them, that I am physically leaving so many people that MATTER so very much to me. I've known "good-byes". My mom when I was 12, my dad at 22, and my sweet Tyra 4 years ago. I do not however have much experience on the initiating end. I'm a 'committer'. I have grown up on the very grounds of the space where I now earn a living - some 28 years. I have lived in the same apartment complex since my senior year of high school - 25 years. Shucks, I've managed to keep the same phone number that we were first assigned in 1973. So, while I have been sporting a perma-grin of excitement it is not without heaviness in my heart. 

I do my best to recognize this heaviness as a fullness. Just as I delighted in physically carrying Tyra through the surf and just as I take comfort in carrying my mom, dad, Tyra and others who have physically left in my heart I will no doubt carry the ones who I am physically leaving there as well. Thankfully, it's a pretty wide open space :-)

So... I think I've found the Rainbow Connection. It is in our shared humanity. We are connected through our hearts.

I have a favor of sorts to ask of my local friends. If you happen upon someone who you recognize may have a limitation... would you please offer them a smile? Would you please remind yourself that this may be one of  "Nicole's People"? Would you please recognize that we are all "One people"? We are born members of the social network called Humanity.

"Some day we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection. The Lovers, the Dreamers, and Me Us"

Wherever I go...

"I did not grow you under my heart, but in it..."

 

This quote is found in various forms on multiple sites related to adoption. In my heart is where Tyra continues to reside. 

 

I left for Thailand with hopes that I might be of service while enjoying this country that I held so much interest in. As is so often the case it was I who received many blessings. The blessing of Tyra's presence and the knowledge that I will always be a mother is the one I will try to explain here.

 

I wrote a bit about the timing of this journey here http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2012/02/this-vase.html

Loy Krathong is a magical time in Thailand and for me well... 

 

Building krathongs alongside our amazing hosts and my fellow volunteers was lots of fun. A special thank-you to the sweet new friends who I shared the significance of this event with and who lent me many hugs and words of support.

 

 

When the evening came to send our krathongs off into the river I added this.

  

It is not uncommon to add a coin to your krathong. This coin was given to Tyra by her very compassionate doctor on the day of her seventeenth birthday while she was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit on life support. While Tyra was in a non-responsive state our ever thoughtful Dr. R shared a story of how when he was a kid if he had a doctors visit on his birthday his doctor would give him a quarter - I did joke about inflation ;-) I have kept this quarter with me daily since her passing. I can't fully explain why. It wasn't that I saw it as a lucky quarter perhaps more it was a sign of all the love my sweet girl received through her final days. However, it also represented a painful chapter. I believe that Tyra 'left' this world at 16. Yes, her body was still here being supported but my brave girl did not regain consciousness during what was her 17th year. Her room on the PICU was filled with photos of the amazing adventures and the wonderful relationships she was a part of but she had already moved on. She was again being carried in my heart. So, I believed it time for this symbol to also 'move on'

  

The final line of the Loy Krathong song translates to...

"As we push away we pray we can see a better day"   

 



Tyra's mom - Oh, how I love to hear these words together. Being a mom is the 'job' I hold in greatest esteem. There is no financial compensation to compare with the JOYS of motherhood. While in Thailand and once home I was reminded that even though I am not actively parenting Tyra the JOYS of mothering are still mine. I am so blessed.

 

While in Thailand I had great company in my luuk sao, Vicki. We became fast friends and laughed our way through adventures North, East, and South. She is a remarkable young woman and I am so thankful to have made what I am certain will be a life long friendship. When saying our tearful farewell these words were exchanged.

Me - While thanking her for being such a positive part of this adventure I said to her

              "You are a 'good kid' - there is a great story behind this title of hers.

Vicki - "You are a good mom" - this still brings grateful tears to my eyes

  

On the night before my departure our very kind and generous Panyawuthikorn school family took Vicki and I on a beautiful visit to Chonburi. It was there that we witnessed an amazing sunset followed by a delicious seafood feast on the beach. Before leaving we sent khom loy, floating lanterns into the sky. As my lantern rose my very kind host and mentor while at the school, P' Noi,  spoke of my "daughter's presence". There are no words for how much this meant to me.

 

When I returned to my home I was greeted by 'my girls'. The joy and energy Shelonda and Giana bring into my home are gift enough but they spoiled me with an abundance of tangible gifts which included a butterfly box imprinted with the word MOM. Over the years, with the help of a nurse or teacher Tyra would present me with similar gifts and in true Tyra form she would laugh as tears of gratitude left my eyes. I think she had a great smile at my response to this butterfly box :-)

 

Lastly, are these words "...real teacher, real mother" These words were shared by yet another new friend and genuinely kind guide, Jack, that I had the good fortune of meeting on my trip to Thailand. These words were shared on a photo I posted from my time at Panyawuthikorn. Again, I can not adequately express what this means to me.

 

Tyra is indeed in my heart. I believe she is also in the hearts of so many others even those who did not have the fortune of meeting her physically. So many blessings... and with this I share the image and the quote that has been filling my head as she fills my heart.
 

 "When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"

 

Heart language...

It has been just over a week since I returned home from an incredible month long stay in Thailand. The trip was coordinated through Cross Cultural Solutions - this organization, the in-country staff, and my fellow volunteers each deserve a post of their own. The trip exceeded any expectations I may have had and I am so grateful to everyone that played a role in this journey.

 

Today's post  is dedicated to my partner placement. Today's post is dedicated to the amazing group of individuals that make up the Panyawuthikorn School. To refer to them as students and staff would make light of the role they play in one another's lives. They are a community. They are a family.

I am thankful to have been included in this community. To have been witness to their celebrations. To have shared in their commitment to the students and their families.

My paid vocation is supporting individuals with developmental disabilities - to ensure that they are receiving appropriate services and to coordinate resources. My most valuable 'job' was is as a mom. A mom to Tyra, my child who while hearty in spirit and so full of joy had a multitude of care needs and was dependent on others for so very much. So, I guess you can say I have an eye for genuine care and concern. This care and concern was quickly evident at the school. I saw it but more importantly I felt it. In the words of Mark Twain...

"Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see."

The kindness was extended quickly to myself and my fellow volunteers, Daniella & Vicki. There are so many examples; from the lunches out with our supervising teachers P' Noi & P' Fon (they wanted us to try the very best dishes from the local community- the food was delicious, their company made the meals even better and I can not forget to mention the iced coffee 'Thai style' - yum or should I say "aroi mak"?) all the way through to my departure which included a farewell fitting for family - with my honorary Aunts, P' Kung & P'Tuy and P'Pim (Mom).

I'll share one of many specific examples. The Panyawuthikorn School serves around 180 students from ages 5 to adult with developmental disabilities - primarily Downs Syndrome and Autism. Each morning the students and teachers gather in the courtyard area to raise the flag, pray, and engage in a vigorous round of exercise :-) part of the morning activity includes an English Language lesson. P' Lek, a teacher small in size hence the nickname 'Lek' but big in heart, coordinates this program. I was fortunate to be in Thailand as they prepared for and celebrated Loy Krathong. Amidst this celebration P' Lek thought to include something from my country. On the morning before Thanksgiving she handed me this slip of paper which I then recited to the students with her interpreting and sharing about my holiday. I do not know that I was able to fully express to her how much this meant. I will save this among my other treasures from this journey.

It was also during the morning gathering that I received warm greetings from students and families. To greet in Thailand is to wai (palms together and a bow of the head) accompanied by "Sawasdee -ka/krup". It reminded me of the greeting I share with my own teachers - 'Namaste' the act of seeing the divine in one another. I may miss this most of all. Once again the language did not matter as there were some children who were without words. These students too were encouraged to wai and had it modeled by their caregivers. The action came from their hearts and of course there were the smiles.

"There are hundreds of  languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all"

 

The kindness shown towards me was so appreciated however of greater importance was the kindness, compassion, and commitment shown towards the students. The environment was one of both learning and of celebration. Children with disabilities can often be made to feel inferior. At Panyawuthikorn the students were in the spotlight. The students performed beautiful dances, music was played, songs were song, and many more smiles were to be seen. The pride was evident and I believe contributed to the student's success in other areas.
 

 

 

I'll end today's post with a final sense of welcome - the welcoming of ideas. The administrators-  P'Pim (pictured to my right),  teachers, and support staff- P'Siwan (to my left) encouraged my suggestions and provided great support to see them through to completion. 



 

 

 

I look forward to remaining a part of the Panyawuthikorn community and have marked my calendar to return next fall. I plan to take some Thai language lessons over the next several months although I am confident that when we meet again it will be the language of the heart that speaks the loudest.

 

Making music

The following account has been shared by several of my teachers. I do not tire of hearing it.

On Nov. 18, 1995, ItzakPerlman, the violinist, came on stage to give a concert at Avery Fisher Hall,  at Lincoln Center in New York City.

If you have ever been to a Perlman concert, you know that getting on stage is no small achievement for him. He was stricken with polio as a child, and so he has braces on both legs and walks with the aid of two crutches. To see him walk across the stage one step at a time, painfully and slowly, is an awesome sight. He walks painfully, yet majestically, until he reaches his chair. Then he sits down, slowly, puts his crutches on the floor, undoes the clasps on his legs, tucks one foot back and extends the other foot forward. Then he bends down and picks up the violin, puts it under his chin, nods to the conductor and proceeds to play.

By now, the audience is used to this ritual. They sit quietly while he makes his way across the stage to his chair. They remain reverently silent while he undoes the clasps on his legs. They wait until he is ready to play.

But this time, something went wrong. Just as he finished the first few bars, one of the strings on his violin broke. You could hear it snap -- it went off like gunfire across the room. There was no mistaking what that sound meant. There was no mistaking what he had to do.

People who were there that night thought to themselves: "We figured that he would have to get up, put on the clasps again, pick up the crutches and limp his way off stage -- to either find another violin or else find another string for this one."

But he didn't. Instead, he waited a moment, closed his eyes and then signaled the conductor to begin again. The orchestra began, and he played from where he had left off. And he played with such passion and such power and such purity as they had never heard before.

Of course, anyone knows that it is impossible to play a symphonic work with just three strings. I know that, and you know that, but that night, Itzhak Perlman refused to know that. You could see him modulating, changing, recomposing the piece in his head . At one point, it sounded like he was de-tuning the strings to get new sounds from them that they had never made before.

When he finished, there was an awesome silence in the room. And then people rose and cheered. There was an extraordinary outburst of applause from every corner of the auditorium. We were all on our feet, screaming and cheering, doing everything we could to show how much we appreciated what he had done.

He smiled, wiped the sweat from his brow, raised his bow to quiet us, and then he said -- not boastfully, but in a quiet, pensive, reverent tone -- "You know, sometimes it is the artist's task to find out how much music you can still make with what you have left."
------------

This teaching has struck me each time I've heard it. I've 'gotten' the concept of "what you have left". Lately though the "what you have left" has not seemed as a less than idea as it had previously rather it is a very full sometimes overflowing sense. On these days it is not a sense of loss that I feel but this huge sense of what I have. The MUSIC in me.

I am a huge fan of music. I love to dance. Well, make that I love to twirl...

I've often used the reference of a 'story' in describing my life's course. I've spoken of chapters and pages. I've made mention of my belief that I've had wonderful relationships written into short stories and I've shared that I had longed for a novel. Lately these terms have changed.

My life is a CONCERT....

It has been filled and continues to fill with notes and melodies. Yes, there have been slow, sad songs to which I have rocked and cried. There have been times where I have not been in harmony and certainly played a bit off key. Oh, but there is also such JOYful noise.

On Sunday I attended the Remembrance Service at the Children's hospital where Tyra spent her final days. This was my fourth and perhaps final service. The first year was a blur. The second year still very raw. Last year I had the honor of sharing about my path to healing and this year I had wonderful friends sharing as part of the service. I had some odd guilt in the thoughts of going more as a friend and supporter than as the bereaved mom. Please don't take this to mean I do not grieve for my sweet girl. It's just gotten different. She continues to play her beautiful song in my heart and in my life. She in fact has turned up the volume.

For the past two years I struggled with presenting what has been my favorite photo of Tyra with the knowledge that it will always be my favorite photo. That there will not be another. This year in preparing for the service I sent what I believed would have been Tyra's favorite photo.

It was the perfect choice... for her and me. After the service no less than 4 people came up and complimented on this selection. I have many favorites now. What a blessing. During the service a wonderful choral selection of 'Candle on the Water' was performed. Tyra and I were fans on Pete's Dragon - magic in pairs. There was a particular song that we twirled around the living room to, that I sang along to in the van, that I remembered on this Sunday and that holds some new meaning today.

Treasure them from day to day. Climb the highest tree with.

 It's so easy.

 

I have so much more to share on this concert of mine. I have wonderful accompaniment in friends and family. It is not mine to conduct outright but to embrace and appreciate each note as they are played.

 

I'll end with this final song as I head out to enjoy some new selections. My thanks and love to all who have supported the music in me.



 

 



Go ahead and SKIP!!!

Tonight while on my walk. The walk that I know brings me in such close connection with Tyra. Our countless treks most certainly responsible for some wearing of the ground upon which I stepped this evening. I had the urge to skip. This urge is not uncommon to me. Truth be told I believe it is my true nature to skip and for this I am so grateful. I encourage you to try it some time. I've never witnessed a solemn skipper :-)

My sweet girl had a special skip of her own. Tyra took great high steps while physically supported. I smile with the memory of how she would walk (skip) when excited. Her legs would get going so fast and so high that her feet remained off the floor more than on. This was not pratical for serious ambulation and might have been frowned upon as 'lack of motor control' by clinicians. I say might because you could not frown when witnessing this JOY exude from my girls entire being. Her JOY was truly contagious.

Tonight I did not skip when the urge came. Tonight I was concerned that someone might spot me. That I might be observed as .... That I might not present as ....

When I entered the apartment after squelching the urge to skip in order to be observed as ... to present as... I remembered a favorite poem by Hafiz.

“TRIPPING OVER JOY

What is the difference
Between your experience of Existence
And that of a saint?

The saint knows
That the spiritual path
Is a sublime chess game with God

And that the Beloved
Has just made such a Fantastic Move

That the saint is now continually
Tripping over Joy
And bursting out in Laughter
And saying, “I Surrender!”

Whereas, my dear,
I am afraid you still think
You have a thousand serious moves.”   


So... If you happen to see me skipping along no need to call the men in white to take me away. I urge you to just smile with the recognition that I am "Tripping over JOY" (^hers^ & mine)

LIFE...

Some reference the Ups & Downs...

Mr. Matthews - make that Dave - sings about it in
'Funny the Way It Is' http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R2mFDTTWqOU

The spiritual path I follow speaks of Joys & Sorrows...

LIFE - so full... of this all

I was perhaps most struck by the Joys and Sorrows on March 6th of this year. On the night marking  the 3rd anniversary of Tyra's death I was planning the celebration of...

Princess Giana's 3rd Birthday.

Giana and her mom, Shelonda, have brought great JOY into recent months. They have both allowed me to reach into my 'Mom bag' and it has been wonderful.

Three years ago as I was filled with sorrow preparing to bury my child, Shelonda was preparing to greet this bundle of JOY. 

 "Funny the way it is when you think about it..."

Tonight, I too am reminded of the Joys & Sorrows. Tonight, at about this time, my sweet girl would be making her way across the stage during her High School graduation. I wrote about the sorrows of this year here  http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2011/08/back-to-school.html

Amidst the sorrow of today there is JOY to be found. JOY to be found inside Tyra's High School yearbook. JOY to be found in the countless number of friends that might have thought to have her remembered on these pages. JOY to be found in having a friend who did. JOY to be found in the friends who made it possible for me to have this treasure at my side as I type this entry. JOY to be found in Tyra's certain giggle as I searched the book to find this surprise.

JOY in her loving memory...