Communicating...so much more than "repeat after me & 1,2,3"

For my American friends you may remember mastering counting from 1 - 10 in Spanish  (credits I think to Sesame Street) for my Thai friends perhaps it was counting in English.

After mastering Hello and Thank you I think it was counting that came next for me here. Today I struggle to recite my telephone number in English but it rolls off quite clearly in Thai.

I am fortunate to be communicating fairly well these days, add to that opportunities to meet new people with shared desires to serve children and the conversations are quite rich in context. I give great thanks for this.

It's also been...not sure what word I'm looking for. You see now that I can communicate more clearly it leads to others feeling comfortable to make inquiries. I've always considered myself an open book so this is fine by me. The conversations with new people contain talk of Tyra. To be able to describe that my daughter lacked verbal language but live a full happy life while being educated along her non-disabled peers is wonderful to share.

and then... the numbers.
Today  -  "Leuk ayu tao rai?" How old is your child
                "Leuk sao chan sia chiwit 6 pi ti leaw" My daughter died 6 years ago  

and because it's February and Birthdays are special days

                "Tae wansuk-na bpen wan gert yee-sib see , next Friday is 24 birthday

and it 'hit' me that next month - I'll need to change my conversation to say "Leuk sao chan sia chiwit jet pi ti leaw" My daughter died 7 years ago.

Numbers...well...they suck, in multiple languages.

So grateful to have the words to say "chiwit tee dee, mi kwam suk, rian ruam, puen yuhr"

GOOD LIFE, HAPPY, Learn together ie inclusion, MANY FRIENDS

To be the mother of a child that LIVED.

LIFE & COMMUNICATION so so so much more than numbers

Choosing JOY...

I've been away...literally - I'm still in Thailand and have not posted in well... a long time.

I've been away figuratively as well which is why I am writing tonight. I'm writing tonight as an affirmation to myself to stay present and to choose JOY.. because... I've been away.

This week I was talking with someone. Talking the way conversations go with my less than perfect Thai and my conversation partner not speaking English. What I ascertained and 'armchair' diagnosed was that the person may have carpal tunnel. While I've taken Graduate A&P it was my personal experience that brought me to this conclusion.

I then had to walk away, My personal experience - the time I developed carpel tunnel, which was successfully remedied with an injection of steroids. The carpal tunnel that I developed during Tyra's 6 week hospital stay in 2008. The 6 weeks I was blessed to remain at her side, in her bed even. Blessed? Blessed to have spent 6 weeks in the hospital? Yes, blessed. Many parents do not have the ability to stay with their children as I did. Whether it be the requirement to care for other children or to work. I was able to spend every day, every second with my girl. I was able to push her in her wheelchair at all hours of the night (Tyra was most comfortable in movement - like a colicky thing) while pulling the IV pole along. This is what resulted in the carpal tunnel and I would not trade it for the world.

Pain is a part of this journey.

As the steroid injection was a remedy for the carpal tunnel - I have found Gratitude to be a remedy for pain and sadness.

In remembering all for which I have to be grateful I am choosing to live in JOY.

This quote by Andre Gide rings so true for me

“Know that joy is rarer, more difficult, and more beautiful than sadness. Once you make this all-important discovery, you must embrace joy as a moral obligation.”

Yes, I have known sadness but most importantly I have been privileged to know JOY. 

To LIVE with JOY

I often reference Tyra as my teacher. Her lessons have in fact been many. Tonight too I want to acknowledge my Mom,my first teacher. Today marks 31 years since she died. Our time together wasn't long but her lessons were also great. Just last week when I realized that it was the birthday of one of my students I was able to go right to my stash and find a gift. My Mom always kept a stash of 'just in case' gifts and birthdays were always a big deal. It's nice to think that I am like her.

  Joyfilled blessings.

It takes a village...

"It takes a village to raise a child"

Indeed, powerful things can happen when people come together to aid a child. In this story we have several kind villagers on several continents.

Over the last few months I've enjoyed regular visits with a very motivated young boy and his equally motivated family. Win, just turned 5 and is what we Americans call "all boy". While unable to walk independently he is eager to move and crawls about (more of a hop) at a speedy pace. Although effective in getting around his home we all wanted him to begin working on his walking.

But how??? My limited understanding of equipment distribution here is that the government provides very basic walkers and Win was in need of more support. In comes Nicola...

Nicola is a dedicated woman from the UK who has been working in-country for many years providing both direct support to a group of youngsters with cerebral palsy and providing more far reaching support through study tours to the UK with Thai staff and through activities like this...

Nicola's charity, 1step 2 step, has delivered much needed rehabilitation equipment to several institutions around Bangkok. The donated equipment is cleaned and sorted in the UK - shipped (literally) to Thailand where it is distributed. In February, Nicola coordinated a visit for Win to try out a gait trainer at one of the government homes.

Win stepped like a pro and we all felt this piece of equipment would serve him well. But how??? do we get Win his own gait trainer? 

A little RESOURCE COORDINATION (for those unaware this is the department I worked under before leaving for Thailand). Many hours of internet searching lead me to find similar gait trainers on ebay and some Assistive Technology Exchange websites. Cost was a factor but a bigger factor... How??? do we get it to Thailand?

In comes Seth... Seth was a volunteer at my school for 3 months in 2010 and ... I was hearing staff at school excitedly talking about he and his wife making a visit. 

In comes Crotched Mountain... On March 10th, I found just what Win needed on their website and wrote a letter of  appeal. 

I'd say "In comes Tyra" but in fact Tyra has been here all along. Tyra's last walker was this very one, the next bigger size as my girl had long legs. When Tyra died, we donated this and other equipment to organizations and individuals. 'Donate' is not the right word, I was deliberate in the distribution and "found homes for Tyra's things". We were very fortunate over the years to have the support of our community both through covered services with numerous healthcare companies going above and beyond to get Tyra just the right items and also through the support of civic groups when an item was not covered by insurance. 

"It takes a village..."

So, if on March 10th, just one week before Seth & Christine were leaving for Thailand, you recall hearing a high pitched sound - that would have been me squealing with delight when I received the reply that Crotched Mountain would be donating this gait trainer to Win. They too believed in finding "good homes for donated equipment".

Mapping its course -

New Hampshire to Tennessee   -                                  

where Seth skillfully repackaged it for flight

from Tennessee to Chicago to Hong Kong to Bangkok

Bangkok, Win's home and mine, where his family coordinated transport and delivery and early on the morning of March 20th I was greeted at school with this. Did you hear me squeal???

by mid morning there were steps, smiles and a few tears to be shared

and... just last week there was this...

LOOK AT HIM GO!!!!

Many thanks to everyone who came together to make this happen.

"It takes a village..."

Where the HEART is...

February...

When did that happen??? Five years... when did that happen???

February is filled with images of hearts, sentiments of love, and the birth of my sweet girl. In February of 2009 these hearts went up on our sliding glass door. I always enjoyed decorating and Tyra delighted in any holiday that involved sharing treats (actually the holiday did not have to involve sharing treats for Tyra to make it so).

"Where the HEART is"

 

Shortly after these decorations were put up Tyra and I left for what was to be her final hospital admission. Valentines day and her birthday, February 26th, were spent at duPont (unquestionably surrounded by LOVE).

 

I returned to our home late the night of March 6th, no longer physically carrying Tyra though that sliding glass door but continuing to carry her in my heart where she took up residence from the moment I first saw her. These hearts remained in place over the next years. Fortunately, hearts are 'in season'  year round. Although Tyra with her very 'twisted' sense of humor might have enjoyed my getting strange looks from neighbors if the month had been October and the stickers were witches. Oh how she enjoyed stirring things up :-)

 

As I was in the final days of packing up our apartment before embarking on this current journey I found myself sitting on the floor of the nearly empty living room a bit 'emotion-filled' when I looked up to see this...

This wall had been previously covered with decorations and this day was the first and perhaps most needed time for me to view the casting of these shadows - HEARTS filling my home and re-filling my heart with the knowledge that the love and memories are mine forever.

 

This Thursday marked Valentines celebrations at school. I was able to share some treats all the while thinking of my own sweet girl. I came home that afternoon with my shirt pocket covered in the days gifts from students & staff.

and...

I looked to the window of my new home...

“When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy. When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.”                                                              ― Kahlil Gibran

 





 



LONG OVERDUE...

This is a recent 'screenshot' from my iPad.

Many of you are aware that I am now living in Thailand. I have been here since the end of August and have much thankfulness to report about my stay so far. BUT...

 

In preparing for November's theme, Novemember??? yikes where did the time go, I could not let another day pass without acknowledging the many wonderful people and events that were a part of my farewell stateside.

 

I'm afraid if I name names I'll leave someone out - you know like at the Grammys. I do however carry each name, each person, each memory in my heart.

 

So... please accept my long overdue THANKS

 

THANK YOU -

to everyone who offered space to store my things

to everyone who offered a ride after my van decided to call it quits just weeks before the move

thank you for every chat over coffee

thank you for the so many thoughtful gifts

thank you for providing me with a place to stay

thank you for feeding me, mentally & physically

 

A few extra special THANK YOUS -

 

THANK YOU to my coworkers, my friends, for supporting my decision, for cheering me on, for 'getting me' (it's not an easy task), for the wonderful farewell party, for thinking of 'my people' in your planning and for the peace of mind I have knowing that you too will care not just for them but about them. THANK YOU for this...

goodies for 'my new people'

You guys ROCK!!!

You may notice or not notice the S'mores candy corn. Yummy - I'm sharing the rest (true love) but that bag... well... MINE.

 

To my friends in Rotary both old friends, Salisbury, and new, Cambridge. THANK YOU for allowing me to share my story past and future.

 Thank you for your service to communities across the world.

 

To my father's friends. THANK YOU from me and my dad. To his Thursday night friends I can think of no better company to have spent my final night in Salisbury with. To his dearest friend - THANK YOU for making this possible...

 

 

To My Family...

THANK YOU for being GOOD people

Ours is not the biggest and perhaps we don't see each other as often as we'd like but...

what matters is the love is there and I THANK YOU

During my last month in the U.S. I was able to see the sun rise in the East and set in the West with...

sooooo much in between.

 

As I walked along the Sonoma Coast beach I spotted something wash ashore.

A starfish...

My favorite parable is about this very being.

I share it often as it relates to my own journey of 'service' and I share it now with each of you as it relates to the role you have had in serving me...

 

While walking along a beach, an elderly gentleman saw someone in the distance leaning down, picking something up and throwing it into the ocean.

 

As he got closer, he noticed that the figure was that of a young man, picking up starfish one by one and tossing each one gently back into the water.

 

He came closer still and called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”

The young man paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean.”

 

The old man smiled, and said, “I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?”

To this, the young man replied, “The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them in, they’ll die.”

 

Upon hearing this, the elderly observer commented, “But, young man, do you not realise that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can’t possibly make a difference!”

 

The young man listened politely. Then he bent down, picked up another starfish, threw it into the back into the ocean past the breaking waves and said, “It made a difference for that one.”

 

Please know that each of you has made a difference in my life...for all of this and so much more

THANK YOU

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Rainbow Connection...

"Why are there so many songs about rainbows..."

Our dear friend Holly gave me this plate during a recent visit. I had not remembered sharing with her about The Rainbow Connection but in true Holly style - she had :-)

Tyra, while having much to say, did not speak verbally. Throughout her school years she had the wonderful fortune of being provided with various assistive technology devices to give her an audible voice. One of these devices was her Dynavox. Tyra enjoyed being a part of classroom activities through the use of her Dynavox. Songs were always a part of Elementary School lessons and for any of you that are familiar with voice output augmentative communication systems, particularly those of years past, they were far from melodic in their output. The Dynavox did have an option that allowed you (ie Mom) to program in song form - note by note - word by word. I bought several songbooks over the years to allow Tyra to sing somewhat in tune. Two songs that were not in the circletime rotation but were labors of love to program and music to my ears were... Rainbow Connection & Do You Hear What I Hear?

I can still hear them... and I believe Kermit and the Dynavox voice of years past were kindred spirits ;-)

A little more about Rainbow Connections...

Many of you know that I have been accepted to exchange service - it is I who receive far more than I give -
with an organization serving children and adults with developmental disabilities in Thailand. I am so grateful for this opportunity. I hope to be able to share more specifics on this organization as time progresses but will move slowly in this area. What I will share is the name of the camp they hold twice a year.

 Rainbow Friendship Camp

Twice a year staff, families, and volunteers take the children and adults to the beach for 3-days in the sun & surf. I look forward to being a part of this experience and in viewing their photos... I saw such a sweet reflection...

These photos are not from Thailand. These photos were taken during Tyra's Middle School field trips to Assateague. Tyra loved every second - the crazier the wave the better. I delighted in her JOY and have such gratitude for the ability to physically support her. Again, I know the lessons she taught me will continue to serve others.

Serving others... This CONNECTION has been shouting out to me in recent days. Today I edited a list and then shared it with my co-workers. This list included the names of men, women, and children I have had the privilege of supporting for the past 13 years. This list included the names of some men and women I first met in my early teens, while I performed community service. Service??? It is I who have been served. "My People" my co-workers hear this often. I don't know if it comes out as it is intended. It is in no way meant to imply 'ownership' it is because they are "My People", "my tribe", "my community"... I have learned more about grace, gratitude, and JOY than I could ever hope to explain from "My People". 

I have struggled with the thought that I am leaving them, that I am physically leaving so many people that MATTER so very much to me. I've known "good-byes". My mom when I was 12, my dad at 22, and my sweet Tyra 4 years ago. I do not however have much experience on the initiating end. I'm a 'committer'. I have grown up on the very grounds of the space where I now earn a living - some 28 years. I have lived in the same apartment complex since my senior year of high school - 25 years. Shucks, I've managed to keep the same phone number that we were first assigned in 1973. So, while I have been sporting a perma-grin of excitement it is not without heaviness in my heart. 

I do my best to recognize this heaviness as a fullness. Just as I delighted in physically carrying Tyra through the surf and just as I take comfort in carrying my mom, dad, Tyra and others who have physically left in my heart I will no doubt carry the ones who I am physically leaving there as well. Thankfully, it's a pretty wide open space :-)

So... I think I've found the Rainbow Connection. It is in our shared humanity. We are connected through our hearts.

I have a favor of sorts to ask of my local friends. If you happen upon someone who you recognize may have a limitation... would you please offer them a smile? Would you please remind yourself that this may be one of  "Nicole's People"? Would you please recognize that we are all "One people"? We are born members of the social network called Humanity.

"Some day we'll find it, the Rainbow Connection. The Lovers, the Dreamers, and Me Us"

Wherever I go...

"I did not grow you under my heart, but in it..."

 

This quote is found in various forms on multiple sites related to adoption. In my heart is where Tyra continues to reside. 

 

I left for Thailand with hopes that I might be of service while enjoying this country that I held so much interest in. As is so often the case it was I who received many blessings. The blessing of Tyra's presence and the knowledge that I will always be a mother is the one I will try to explain here.

 

I wrote a bit about the timing of this journey here http://luvinty.blogspot.com/2012/02/this-vase.html

Loy Krathong is a magical time in Thailand and for me well... 

 

Building krathongs alongside our amazing hosts and my fellow volunteers was lots of fun. A special thank-you to the sweet new friends who I shared the significance of this event with and who lent me many hugs and words of support.

 

 

When the evening came to send our krathongs off into the river I added this.

  

It is not uncommon to add a coin to your krathong. This coin was given to Tyra by her very compassionate doctor on the day of her seventeenth birthday while she was in the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit on life support. While Tyra was in a non-responsive state our ever thoughtful Dr. R shared a story of how when he was a kid if he had a doctors visit on his birthday his doctor would give him a quarter - I did joke about inflation ;-) I have kept this quarter with me daily since her passing. I can't fully explain why. It wasn't that I saw it as a lucky quarter perhaps more it was a sign of all the love my sweet girl received through her final days. However, it also represented a painful chapter. I believe that Tyra 'left' this world at 16. Yes, her body was still here being supported but my brave girl did not regain consciousness during what was her 17th year. Her room on the PICU was filled with photos of the amazing adventures and the wonderful relationships she was a part of but she had already moved on. She was again being carried in my heart. So, I believed it time for this symbol to also 'move on'

  

The final line of the Loy Krathong song translates to...

"As we push away we pray we can see a better day"   

 



Tyra's mom - Oh, how I love to hear these words together. Being a mom is the 'job' I hold in greatest esteem. There is no financial compensation to compare with the JOYS of motherhood. While in Thailand and once home I was reminded that even though I am not actively parenting Tyra the JOYS of mothering are still mine. I am so blessed.

 

While in Thailand I had great company in my luuk sao, Vicki. We became fast friends and laughed our way through adventures North, East, and South. She is a remarkable young woman and I am so thankful to have made what I am certain will be a life long friendship. When saying our tearful farewell these words were exchanged.

Me - While thanking her for being such a positive part of this adventure I said to her

              "You are a 'good kid' - there is a great story behind this title of hers.

Vicki - "You are a good mom" - this still brings grateful tears to my eyes

  

On the night before my departure our very kind and generous Panyawuthikorn school family took Vicki and I on a beautiful visit to Chonburi. It was there that we witnessed an amazing sunset followed by a delicious seafood feast on the beach. Before leaving we sent khom loy, floating lanterns into the sky. As my lantern rose my very kind host and mentor while at the school, P' Noi,  spoke of my "daughter's presence". There are no words for how much this meant to me.

 

When I returned to my home I was greeted by 'my girls'. The joy and energy Shelonda and Giana bring into my home are gift enough but they spoiled me with an abundance of tangible gifts which included a butterfly box imprinted with the word MOM. Over the years, with the help of a nurse or teacher Tyra would present me with similar gifts and in true Tyra form she would laugh as tears of gratitude left my eyes. I think she had a great smile at my response to this butterfly box :-)

 

Lastly, are these words "...real teacher, real mother" These words were shared by yet another new friend and genuinely kind guide, Jack, that I had the good fortune of meeting on my trip to Thailand. These words were shared on a photo I posted from my time at Panyawuthikorn. Again, I can not adequately express what this means to me.

 

Tyra is indeed in my heart. I believe she is also in the hearts of so many others even those who did not have the fortune of meeting her physically. So many blessings... and with this I share the image and the quote that has been filling my head as she fills my heart.
 

 "When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky"