TOUGH & DURABLE...

I recently opened a book of poems that has been on my office desk for many years. The collection, "Hope through Heartsongs". The author, Mattie Stepanek, a boy with Muscular Dystrophy who passed away in June of 2004 at the age of 13. I was struck by one poem in particular this past week, rewrote it, and posted it next to my computer screen. It reads...

BOTH SIDES  

Every privilege comes with a responsibility.

Sounds Tough.

Every responsibility comes with a privilege.

Sounds Durable.

Responsibility & Privilege, both have me working into the night 'catching up'. Both had me take a break from the work for which I receive a paycheck to work on the talk I am to share at next months Remembrance Service at the Children's Hospital where Tyra spent her final days and where I continue to find great healing. 

TOUGH & DURABLE

(that about sums it up)

to LIVE...

Wow, I'm unclear as to where this post will lead but have so much to share, to acknowledge, to ...

Yesterday, I attended a funeral. Yesterday, I was introduced to an amazing 31 year old woman with a short but very FULL story. Sound familiar? The service was for the sister of my dear friend and fellow traveler on this journey of the bereaved mother. Of course there was sadness as is the case when anyone who is loved leaves our physical world. Oh, but more importantly, there was laughter. Hers was a story to be shared. Hers was a service filled with people who shared pieces of that story. People who will certainly carry on her story. Sound familiar? I was reminded of Tyra's service in so many ways. I was reminded in the comments from our dearest and closest friends on how very FULL Tyra's life was. On how others who had not met her (many of my highschool friends) left Tyra's service feeling as though they had. How could this be possible? Because she HAS an amazing full story. A story of LIVING.

I find myself saying often "We are all going to die". This is sometimes received with a somber face. I don't say this to be depressing, maudlin if you will. It is a fact. We are all going to die - 7 month old little girls die, 17 year old teenage daughters die, 31 year old young women die, 49 year old mother's of four die. It's not a matter of if but when. The true question in my mind is can we say that we LIVED? I mean really lived. I can say that while I certainly would love to be experiencing new adventures with Tyra our life together was one lived without regret. Were there future plans? Sure. I was going to take her to Vegas for her 21 birthday. Well, she had not turned 21 yet. So, it did not happen. Otherwise we LIVED. We wrote an amazing story.

I can think of no unfulfilled wishes. I wish we had...  better yet I can think of no I wish I hadn'ts... you know like - I wish I hadn't spent so much time at work. I wish I hadn't used my earnings to pay mortgage on a home that she wouldn't have LIVED long in anyway. Tyra and I LIVED. No regrets. If we had an inkling, a desire we made it happen. We had fabulous JOYfilled adventures. We had an amazing full story. Tyra's story did not end with her death, neither did mine (well, neither WILL mine)

My most recent adventure was a trip to WA state. I've wanted to go visit with my dear Uncle who lives there. I've wanted to attend a concert of one of my favorite artists. I've wanted to visit the islands that were so special to my Aunt. So... I did. Vacations have never been about relaxing to me or getting away for that matter. Vacations are a time to LIVE. To experience new adventures. The sign in my mind of a great vacation is not to come home rested but to some home exhausted having taken advantage of every moment. This is how I LIVED my life with Tyra and this is how I intend to continue LIVING. It all felt so good, so right. My mouth hurt from smiling (having gotten sunburned lips after falling asleep on the grass during the music festival - a contributor). If the only compliment I ever receive on my physical appearance is that I have a great smile that will be quite alright. I heard that often during my weeks adventure.

I had real encounters with people. I put away the filters. In my life I have befriended the most amazing population of people, those with developmental disabilities. I have been surrounded by my filterless friends since my early teens and have learned so much from them. Just say IT, for goodness sake. Just do IT. Just LIVE! If you ask me they get it. Got a question?? ask it. Have an inkling?? do it. Filters, can keep out impurities. They can keep us from getting 'burnt' but they also keep the sun out. Had I not gotten burnt I might not have truly felt the smile.

I have so much more to share on this adventure. I will do so soon and with picture for sure. Tyra made profound appearances. Today, I am off to LIVE some more. The sun is about to rise here and my bike is calling my name. Lovin & LIVING this life!!!

Back to School...

Hey Kiddo,
I know, a letter on a non-holiday. Well, I figured with all the commotion (earthquake, hurricane, tornadoes) you deserved a personal acknowledgement. Actually Ty, Mommy just really really wants to talk to you. I want to hold you. I want to hear your laugh, gosh I'd even be okay hearing that impatient shout of yours. School starts today.You wouldn't be starting until tomorrow with the upperclassman. Your Senior year... wow. We would have been shopping already. Shopping not just for your incredibly fashionable gear but shopping for; Mr. Dumpson's - Black Forest Gummy Bears, Mrs. Davis' - Peanut M&Ms, Miss Sherry's - soft peppermints, Mr. Harrel's - Twizzlers, of course we'd send Miss Bonner (Mrs. Grunden) some Nerds ;-) The list goes on. You loved to give. We loved to see that everyone had their favorite. There have been so many wonderful people that have come into your (our) life - Mr. Alston & his Snickers mustn't be forgotten either. I miss them. I miss meeting your new teachers. I miss figuring out the best way to include you in the class discussion. I just... well... I just miss being your mom HERE on this side of heaven.

Mommy is preparing for an adventure. I have been excited but as the days approach I am saddened still that my favorite traveling companion will not be physically joining me. We were quite the pair, huh kiddo? Seamless, in sync, it was all so GOOD. It is crazy how the days and weeks go on, how I can encounter situations that would surely send me reeling and then something as seemingly mundane as changing to a new wallet sends me spinning.

Here it is kiddo, your student ID. Your Freshman year... so many changes that year. You had your hair relaxed - mommy was getting pretty skilled with the flat iron. You started getting your eyebrows waxed - remember the older women in Miss Toni's salon saying "Your not going to wax the 'baby's' eyebrows are you?" and you would laugh. They quickly learned how TUF you were. You didn't have to wear your AFOs as often which meant your UGG collection expanded. Oh Kiddo, and of course this was the year you struggled with illness and moved on. Mommy must admit that I said a few not so nice words when I came upon the picture. I am so very grateful for our fabulous journey, for the many lessons you taught and continue to teach me, for the wonderful people you brought into my world. But truth be told... Mommy is angry that I am not preparing you to go to school tomorrow, angry that I am packing for one, just... angry & missing you.

I left many of your cards behind in the old wallet but kiddo this one is staying with me for a while. It is positioned again near my own. This is where I am most comfortable finding 'you'. So when I board the plane on my adventure and pull out my licence there you'll be... that signature smile of yours to greet me and while I know you are with me always it's kinda nice have my traveling companion a bit closer.

I love you sweet girl!

                                                                                                 Always & Forever,
                                                                                                               Mommy

Numbers...part two...

Today's numbers are more of a sharing moment than releasing, for they are just some of the numbers that remind me of the GOODness in THIS LIFE.

Infinite - the number of times my closest friends will listen to me
                cry, scream, and post about how I miss Tyra and the life
                we shared together.

78 - the number of miles my body allowed me to pedal on this
         beautiful day

10 - the number of days before I embark on an exciting trip to be
         filled with family, friends, and FUN

5 - the number of hours before I am at the home of my friend of 33
        years to cheer her on tomorrow morning as she competes in
        her 1st triathlon

16 - the number of years I had to bask in the JOY & LOVE of my
         sweet girl on this side of heaven

My Blessings truly are too numerous to count and for this

 I share my gratitude.

Numbers...

Numbers... they are everywhere... dates, measures, alerts...

They are in my HEAD. Some floating in and out. Some ingrained. Some illicit sadness others joy. I need to free up some space so out they come...

16 - The age I most often reference Tyra as being.

17 - The age on her death certificate. Tyra turned 17 on the PICU
         in a comatose state.

6 - The day of the month she took her last breath.

29 - The number of months since I last held her.

40 - The age I'll be turning next month. I often say "I don't know
        when this happened". I think people find this statement to be
        joking in nature, like many who question their aging. I am
        completely serious "I don't know when this happened". The
        years 22-38  *** where did they go??? I have pictures. I have
        Endless Memories as the name of this blog indicates.
        What I want...

16 to be 19 - The age Tyra would be today.

6 to be 19 - Her to be here on this calendar day, breathing.

39 - My age today, without questions on where the last 19 went.   

There are many other numbers, that I am sure to share - release, for now I must return to the number of emails and voicemails overfilling my 'boxes'.

Thank-you for the space.... 

GOODness...

"GOOD deal"            "GOOD stuff"          "It's GOOD"           "It's all GOOD"

Good is definitely one of my most used words. This is not a bad thing. I am the owner of several 'Life is Good' garments. I have only worn the ones with varied sayings in the past 29 months. Slogans such as "Hello, Sunshine", "Alternative Energy" and "Half Full" have been acceptable. I found advertising of "Life is Good" after the death of my sweet girl incompatible.

My last posting discussed my Facebook profile pics. Well, today's rainy weather has had me spending far too much time in front of the computer. In doing so I found this pic

 It is dated January 23, 2009

Tyra was still very much alive.

The description read "Life is GOOD"

My smile has been a preview to the following endorsement and today I will advertise

LIFE IS GOOD

Changes...

Some say change is good. Some have trouble with change. I just say that change IS.

It happens. We change - our bodies, our roles, our ... The people physically in our lives change - some leave, others enter.

In recent days I have been thinking of the changing of roles. My identity, the role I have placed most value and pride in is - Tyra's mom. Wasn't hard to guess that I am sure. My email address, my Face Book profile, the van I drive, all of it tied to that role - Tyra's mom.

I will always be Tyra's mom. I will always long to hear others call me that. So DON'T stop!!! Just as my parent's death made me no less than the daughter of Ralph & Sidney. Tyra's death has made me no less her mom.

With all this said. There are some changes occurring in my life. The return of joy. My smile at a whole new level. The emerging of feelings and hopes that I had not imagined possible.

Change IS.

Silly as it may seem or sound to others I have struggled with changing my profile picture on FaceBook. Since signing on close to 3 years ago this image has represented me -

I've not changed it. When others have joined in on acknowledging special days or causes through the image on their profile. This image has remained on mine. Always Tyra's mom. I had not thought I would recognize myself without her. Today I look in the mirror and am amazed and oh so grateful to see again the Joy. I am more recognizable today than perhaps at all in the 29 months since she died.

With all this said I am not ready to see a photo of myself alone (I know she is in my heart). So the following image will stand in for now.

This picture was taken at Tyra's grave site early one recent morning after a long day and night of change. I will share more on this but for today I acknowledge that, Change IS...