Numbers...part two...

Today's numbers are more of a sharing moment than releasing, for they are just some of the numbers that remind me of the GOODness in THIS LIFE.

Infinite - the number of times my closest friends will listen to me
                cry, scream, and post about how I miss Tyra and the life
                we shared together.

78 - the number of miles my body allowed me to pedal on this
         beautiful day

10 - the number of days before I embark on an exciting trip to be
         filled with family, friends, and FUN

5 - the number of hours before I am at the home of my friend of 33
        years to cheer her on tomorrow morning as she competes in
        her 1st triathlon

16 - the number of years I had to bask in the JOY & LOVE of my
         sweet girl on this side of heaven

My Blessings truly are too numerous to count and for this

 I share my gratitude.

Numbers...

Numbers... they are everywhere... dates, measures, alerts...

They are in my HEAD. Some floating in and out. Some ingrained. Some illicit sadness others joy. I need to free up some space so out they come...

16 - The age I most often reference Tyra as being.

17 - The age on her death certificate. Tyra turned 17 on the PICU
         in a comatose state.

6 - The day of the month she took her last breath.

29 - The number of months since I last held her.

40 - The age I'll be turning next month. I often say "I don't know
        when this happened". I think people find this statement to be
        joking in nature, like many who question their aging. I am
        completely serious "I don't know when this happened". The
        years 22-38  *** where did they go??? I have pictures. I have
        Endless Memories as the name of this blog indicates.
        What I want...

16 to be 19 - The age Tyra would be today.

6 to be 19 - Her to be here on this calendar day, breathing.

39 - My age today, without questions on where the last 19 went.   

There are many other numbers, that I am sure to share - release, for now I must return to the number of emails and voicemails overfilling my 'boxes'.

Thank-you for the space.... 

GOODness...

"GOOD deal"            "GOOD stuff"          "It's GOOD"           "It's all GOOD"

Good is definitely one of my most used words. This is not a bad thing. I am the owner of several 'Life is Good' garments. I have only worn the ones with varied sayings in the past 29 months. Slogans such as "Hello, Sunshine", "Alternative Energy" and "Half Full" have been acceptable. I found advertising of "Life is Good" after the death of my sweet girl incompatible.

My last posting discussed my Facebook profile pics. Well, today's rainy weather has had me spending far too much time in front of the computer. In doing so I found this pic

 It is dated January 23, 2009

Tyra was still very much alive.

The description read "Life is GOOD"

My smile has been a preview to the following endorsement and today I will advertise

LIFE IS GOOD

Changes...

Some say change is good. Some have trouble with change. I just say that change IS.

It happens. We change - our bodies, our roles, our ... The people physically in our lives change - some leave, others enter.

In recent days I have been thinking of the changing of roles. My identity, the role I have placed most value and pride in is - Tyra's mom. Wasn't hard to guess that I am sure. My email address, my Face Book profile, the van I drive, all of it tied to that role - Tyra's mom.

I will always be Tyra's mom. I will always long to hear others call me that. So DON'T stop!!! Just as my parent's death made me no less than the daughter of Ralph & Sidney. Tyra's death has made me no less her mom.

With all this said. There are some changes occurring in my life. The return of joy. My smile at a whole new level. The emerging of feelings and hopes that I had not imagined possible.

Change IS.

Silly as it may seem or sound to others I have struggled with changing my profile picture on FaceBook. Since signing on close to 3 years ago this image has represented me -

I've not changed it. When others have joined in on acknowledging special days or causes through the image on their profile. This image has remained on mine. Always Tyra's mom. I had not thought I would recognize myself without her. Today I look in the mirror and am amazed and oh so grateful to see again the Joy. I am more recognizable today than perhaps at all in the 29 months since she died.

With all this said I am not ready to see a photo of myself alone (I know she is in my heart). So the following image will stand in for now.

This picture was taken at Tyra's grave site early one recent morning after a long day and night of change. I will share more on this but for today I acknowledge that, Change IS...

BLESSINGS...

A friend recently shared that she was taking her young boys to the Science Center in Baltimore. Tyra and I had some fun trips there over the years. I'll always remember Uncle Bruce laying down on 'The Bed of Nails' for her twisted pleasure. There was very little (actually I can't think of anything) Uncle Bruce wouldn't do to get a smile from our sweet girl. Aunt Randy was a good sport too and didn't cringe terribly when we repeatedly pressed buttons for body function sounds :-)

My girl and her interest in body functions. She had the best sense of humor. Everyone Poops, The Gas we Pass, and Walter the Farting Dog were frequent reads in our home. Of course there was also the strategically placed Whopee cushion or fake vomit. Our poor nurses we definitely kept them on their toes.

I've been encountering 'new' people lately. People who will never have the Blessing of physically meeting Tyra on this side of Heaven. The telling of her death is usually greeted with sad faces and expressions of sympathy. I appreciate that others are sorry to learn of my loss. Oh, but I BEG that no one feels sorry for me. I in fact think envy would be a more appropriate response. To have had and still carry a LOVE like ours and to have so many other great loves and experiences in my past and present I assure you I have been BLESSED beyond measure.

One of our favorite trips to the MD Science Center was to take in the touring Grossology exhibit. Tyra was in her glory. The picture below is of us posing in the nostrils of an interactive nose. (How fun is that?) Well, the customary response when one sneezes is to say "God Bless You"

My reply...

"Thank-you, He already has"

BOOM!!!

The explosions have woken me up early at the realization that today is...

the first 4th of July I have spent in many, many years (close to 2 decades) without either of my girls. I am the first to point out that I carry them in my heart and that Tyra is surely always with me but at this moment their absence from our home has me a bit shellshocked. Oh, how I miss our family.

"I bet Tyra is asking God how she looks in her outfit"

I know two postings in one week.Wonder is best when shared - so share I will. Today I had an amazing conversation with a friend (client). Our time together was not scheduled and in fact we ended up in each other's company due to an 'error' on the part of his driver. Well, an 'error' unless you acknowledge the role of a higher power.

On to the conversation. We were walking (he was rolling) across campus making small talk when he says "Miss Nicole I really miss Tyra". They grew up around each other. Tyra had a bit of a crush on him which he was aware of. She always had a special smile for him. I acknowledged that I too missed Tyra but that I felt she was still with me and recounted her JOY.

He went on to say "You know I never told you this before but other than my mom Tyra was the person I could always count on to make me smile." "I used to look out for her at camp, even though she didn't talk I knew what she was trying to tell the staff and I would let them know." I thanked him and shared that I always felt that he 'looked out' for her. Then he shared how "heartbroken, and stunned" he was when Tyra died.

"Miss Nicole, when I lay in bed at night I look up to heaven and I know I'll see her again one day" "That will be nice" "I bet she is asking God how she looks in her outfit." I chuckled, what an image my Diva in the mirror of God.

"Miss Nicole I know sometimes I talk in circles" Me - "No you don't you talk from your heart. I wish more people did that." "Well, Miss Nicole, I want you to know that if you ever want to talk about Tyra. You can talk to me. I'll always listen." We reached his destination and shared a wonderful hug.

These are just  few of the highlights of the conversation. I can not put into words the feelings, the energy that was present. This young man, my friend, dependent on others for some of the most basic of needs offered himself so freely and purely to me. I have been tearful (in a great way) ever since.
I pray that I can live in such a way to be worthy of the amazing gifts I continue to receive.