BEEEEEP....

    That sound penetrates my conscious at the most random times and it is always accompanied with the LONGING to hear the announcer proclaim "This is a test. This is only a test."

    Oh, that would mean I might divert my eyes from the screen to SEE Tyra smiling up at me (she sat in my lap when we watched TV) or perhaps I might turn down the volume and HEAR her sweet giggle.

     I excelled at tests in school. So much so that teachers would often comment at what potential I had if only I applied myself daily. I think a few were miffed at my ability to pass their course by acing exams and ignoring the daily tasks.

     Well, I'm not sure what grade I'll receive on this test but I'm fairly confident I have become a better student. It can only be through applying myself daily that I have been gifted to FEEL Tyra in all that I do. Some days this gets me through. Other days I am still left missing her beyond words longing to TOUCH her and waiting for the BEEEEEEP to stop. Today happens to be one of those days. Oh, how I miss my sweet girl.

Saying goodbye...

"I am so proud of you"
"You have always done your very best"
"It is going to be okay sweet girl"
"Mommy loves you so much"

From my arms to his -
Don't be afraid, just spread your wings and fly.

Unemployment...

In the 23 months since Tyra died I have been troubled by a particular question. The question comes in various forms and from an assortment of people. What is a spoken question really but a string of words? The words are not really the issue - it is what I had believed the meaning behind the words to be. So here is the question in one of it's forms...

 Are you going to get another child?

The get part is still a bit bothersome as I type this morning even with my new perspective on the meaning of these words. Have would be more palatable of a word but I suppose I did not in fact have Tyra so the use of get is understandable.

Anyway, on to the meaning. Up until this morning, 5:20ish to be exact, what I perceived the meaning of these words to be, was heartbreaking. The conversation went like this:

Questioner : "Are you going to get another child?"
 (insert broken heart) 

Me (often unspoken) : "Goodness are you suggesting Tyra to be replaceable?" "What do you mean get another child? She wasn't a puppy or a pair of shoes" "How could I dream of getting another child?"

This morning I thought perhaps the question is less about Tyra and more about me...

Maybe the inquiries are related to the clear happiness and joy I displayed in parenting Tyra?

I've always said being Tyra's mom was my most favorite vocation.

Perhaps people think I was good at my job?

JOB - I'd do anything to have my old job back but this is not an option. I wasn't fired. I didn't quit. It's certainly not an issue of loyalty (I'm a Company-Girl if ever there was one). The thing is my employer relocated. I have been provided with an awesome severance package; 17 years of amazing memories & adventures, incredible on the job training, and an indispensable set of skills that are certain to benefit my new boss.   

So, while the federal government discusses extending unemployment benefits I am excited about the prospect of going back to work. I must now pray for patience with the hiring process.  

Giving birth...

It is true I did not carry Tyra in my womb, she was not born of me in the traditional sense. However, during a recent visit with a new client the mom made the most poignant observation. This mother was aware from her previous case manager that I too had a child with cerebral palsy. She asked about Tyra to which I proudly brought out photos. Photos... my most prized tangible possessions.

As she was looking through the pictures I shared a bit of our story. She became aware that Tyra was in fact not my birth child. Then she came upon this picture...

This is a favorite of mine from a super fun day at the Cherry Blossom Parade in DC. People often comment on our smiles and how genuinely joyful we are. This mom said something a bit different though, she said...

"SHE HAS YOUR SMILE"

Oh, how this filled my heart then and continues to do so today. Today on the anniversary of Tyra's birth, her 19th year, I can proudly say I too played a role in giving birth...  to her SMILE

I am forever grateful to parent such an amazing spirit and I thank Tyra every day for the smiles she has brought to my life.

BIRTHDAY

On this day 19 years ago...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com

LOVE...

“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”

Quest for Healing...

Two years ago yesterday Tyra and I set off to AI duPont in hopes of finding some answers as to why she "just wasn't herself". I wrote about this last year  On the road...

This morning the quest for healing continues as I travel back to AI duPont to share a piece of our story with the Medical Residents during their full day conference on End of Life Care/Issues. I am honored to have this opportunity and have found duPont to be a place of healing in many ways. While the chapter to be shared today is not my favorite of Tyra's story it is powerful and worthy of retelling. It is through these experiences that her story continues.

Hers is a story without a The End...