Covered...

This weekend's snow had us covered here. I wasn't able to go to Tyra's site on the 6th, a first. Each month I have gone out on this day, tended to her site, and sent her a balloon with a kiss. This Saturday our roads were covered and I knew that she too was covered. I got her balloon on Friday fearing that the party store would be closed. I also had a new mylar butterfly filled for home. Since Tyra died I have kept a butterfly inflated in our living room. Tyra enjoyed balloons. Holidays were always accompanied by helium filled symbols - bunnies, shamrocks, hearts, pumpkins, and the frequent butterfly. Well the first balloon, pink & purple swirled latex, hit a tree and popped. My heart sunk. Not only did I not get out to her site, she didn't get her special delivery either. When I walked back in I saw the Butterfly - smiled - and said "Oh, you wanted this one" - so, the butterfly flew off into the sky.  

This was not our first snow but this time the idea, the image, of my sweet girl covered was so troubling. I tried to reason with myself, reminding myself that this is not where she really is, thinking I would go out on Valentines Day and send her a heart, perhaps the covers would be lifted by then. I couldn't do it, I needed to do something for her, I couldn't wait. So, Tuesday afternoon I ventured out to the cemetary and cleared off my precious girls marker. Thank goodness for her flag as her site would have been otherwise hidden. It wasn't until I got back into the van that I realized how disturbing the image of me plodding across the deep snow of the cemetary with a shovel in hand must have been. I then thought that Tyra, with her very twisted sense of humor, was surely smiling at the image of her mother resembing a grave robber. Oh, if someone had called the police she would have certainly laughed hysterically. Tyra has always provided the bright spot in my day.

.

A little snow doesn't change that.

On the road...

Nope, not today. The blizzard has kept me off the roads both by choice and by the declared 'State of Emergency'. Last year however, Tyra and I were on the road. After spending February 9th emailing the very attentive Dr.R. back & forth it was decided that Tyra needed to be re-admitted the following day. We set off to duPont that Tuesday morning in hopes of finding some answers - some relief...

Never could I have imagined that I would be returning home without her. I still can't believe it.

Record HIGHS

February 8th 2009 the thermometer hit 69 degress here, a record high. Tyra and I took advantage of the warm day and headed out to the Zoo.

These pictures obviously are not from that visit. Tyra just wasn't herself on February 8th. She was exhausted and I didn't even get a giggle when we ran down the ramp from the Bison exhibit. She always laughed at this. We had been working with her doctors to keep her home following a six week stay at the Hotel duPont in Oct/Nov. Tyra was still not tolerating her g-tube feedings and depended on the TPN through her PICC line for nutrition. We had however gotten into a groove with the PICC, ever adapting. Tyra was such a trooper but on this day it became so clear that my baby wasn't OKAY.

This trip to the Zoo was our last. So many good memories were had there. We visited daily when the weather permitted. Sometimes on our tandem bike. Yes, they let us ride through - always special treatment for the DIVA. We also 'test drove' lots of new equipment on those walkways amongst our friends the flamingos & the otters. I am working on a project to make a memorial contribution toward some accessibilty features and a much needed family bathroom. While I wouldn't want a bathroom to bear my girls name, I would love to have a bench installed in her memory.     

  

The Butterfly... so lucky we were to have seen it (her)

FIRSTS & LASTS...

Many FIRSTS have come and gone. The 1st day of Spring, Easter, Mothers Day, my first solo bike ride, Back to school (boy was that one tough), of course there was Thanksgiving, Christmas, and entering the New Year - 2010 a year that only her memory will be a part of.

Today marks 11 months since I last held Tyra, since she took her last breath. So many LASTS are approaching and my heart is aching for what was. The moments of saying "this time last year" are getting shorter and the memories of  "this time last year" are more difficult to remember. Tyra put up a good fight. She always always did her best at everything and I could not have asked for anything more of her.

I started this Blog to document Tyra's 'LIMITLESS JOY & BOUNDLESS LOVE'. Unfortunately some of the ENDLESS MEMORIES are painful, many do not know of her final chapter and I hope that putting it here will free some space in my head and allow my heart to be filled with the JOY again. So, in the coming month many posts will speak of  "this time last year".

Oh, how I miss "This time last year" - We were home...TOGETHER

327

"If you live to be 100, I want to live to be 100 minus 1 day, so I never have to live without you."

Winnie the Pooh

Where is she...

Today at Giant the checker said "oh, is your daughter at school?"

You see, Tyra and I were frequent visitors to Giant. We could have fun picking out frozen veggies just as well as stylish clothes. (Clothes not shoes - shoe shopping topped it all). So, since Tyra died I've shopped in other stores and when I have ventured into Giant I usually do self check out. The folks in the produce dept, deli, and pharmacy learned of her passing many months ago but today this sweet checker had not.

I inhaled - blinked - and said "she died". The checker was noticeably shaken and came around to give me a big hug. I then shared with her how Tyra died as I worry that people will think she was sickly. Tyra was anything but sickly. Then the two of us talked about how joyful Tyra was. Without realizing the women behind me in line chimed in about what an awesome story we had. I then broke out the pictures. FOREVER HER PROUD MOTHER.

I shared with the checker that just last week a colleague asked "How's your daugh.." and caught herself  - then apologizing. I assured her it was OKAY, that I was already thinking of Tyra. Several months ago I would get sad when folks would ask me where she was but today... TODAY I am GRATEFUL.

GRATEFUL that people remember her. GRATEFUL that people remember us.

In answer to the question... Where is your daughter?

She is in my heart - She is in our story -
She was with me in line at Giant today, if only I could have hugged her.

THANK YOU ^TY TY^ at OneTrueMedia.com

I want to THANK her...

Make an on-line slide show at www.OneTrueMedia.com